sentimental journey

the last few years have been extremely explosive for me... if you were to tell me 5 years ago... where i would be now... and how i would get here... i would think you were crazy. sometimes i look around still and think... wow... what just happened... i guess that the past few months i have been drifting downward from that explosion like a feather... slowly... easing... back to earth again... in many ways really...

the song sentimenal journey reminds me of my grandma... she had a romantic way of telling me about the train trips she went on in her early 20s... when she was working for the radio station... i remember one time she pulled me aside... and said with a feverish voice... jennifer, i would never trade my family for anything... i love them all very much... but those days... those days were the most fun i have had in my whole life... what a great time... what inspiration to see her eyes when she said that

i have the new studio set up... and i have been slowly sinking into it...  the holidays eat up massive quantities of time and energy... and my past couple of months have been extra exciting and fun... when i am having fun... i don't always want to stop long enough to devote the time i should to my art... but, i am back at it again...

this past week, a friend of mine lost someone close to them, and someone i had the pleasure to know too... a 29 year old beautiful woman, that loved to be alive... was struck and killed by a bus... just before new years... a freak accident that reminds me again... of all the reasons i like to try and stop time... and hold on to people that are dear to me... although i suppose it isn't really possible 

i hung my show at anodyne yesterday afternoon. i sat in my car out front and had to psyche myself up to go inside... i realized i haven't hung a show in a really long time... and i was nervous... for the first time in many years... where did that come from? just like anything... painting and having art shows... is one of those things that when you are out of practice... can feel intimidating... i guess i realized out front in my car... that i was worried i couldn't do it anymore... like... people would be able to tell i haven't been painting much lately... and that i've been putting my work last... i don't think anyone noticed though... and when i first walked in a young woman chatted me up and asked me about my work... complimenting me... maybe she could see the look on my face... or sense that i was feeling like i wanted to puke... 

to make matters worse... the place was packed... and cramped... and i had to literally move people's stuff off of chairs to climb up and hook the paintings onto strange hooks... i am amazed how after all these years there are still ways of hanging art on a wall that i haven't seen before... this one was particularly interesting... but ... IT'S UP ... whew...

i spent some time in the studio last week... playing with photos for inspiration by glen jones and roxie reeves... some black and white stuff came out of that

and the requisite self portrait

i have long thought that good art... came from somewhere really dark... i remember a conversation i had with my friend andy... on a rooftop many many years ago... andy is an artist too... currently his medium is primarily food... he's a chef and lives in sweden... he has now for many years... but the conversation i am thinking of... was one had in the wee hours of the morning... after many many beers... we came to the conclusion that neither of us created anything worthwhile when we were really healthy... sleep deprivation... alcohol... sadness and cigarettes were the catalysts in our work... i guess at that time it might have been true... but these days i find that isn't always the case... it is possible to create when you're happy... and hopeful... a teacher once told me that when you're drawing... you should squint so the lines become blurred... and you can see the shapes instead... so you can get the 'gist of what it is you want to sketch instead of focusing on the parts that that make it whole... he was right... but it's also possible if the squinting comes from being side-tracked by happiness...

i wouldnt' be honest with myself if i didn't admit that i have been very happy and hopeful these past couple of months... and from this new place... creating can be just as voracious

I realized that I'm a hope junkie. I strive for those changes, upgrades and new beginnings that bring that cozy adrenaline hope rush. - giulio carmassi

this song has been like an ear wig to me the past week... it speaks of something i know a lot about... searching... investigating... delving into something deeper... i think in a past life i must've been a detective... i want to understand myself completely... and seek the deepest places in those i care about... i guess that's what we all want... meaning... a reason for being... 

some people can look to god and ask him... i look to you... and me

i wish my hands could do what my mind does... but this will have to work for now... i made a short video to the song that's been haunting me lately

this might be the most random blog i have ever posted... all these fragments have been building for a while now... thanks for listening to my mental vomit... this worm-hole is where i sort it all out... be well... much love