i love how on a weekend in minneapolis... after the snow has finally left us, briefly... the most beautiful and weathered things seem to be around every corner. i found a few lovely such things this weekend. as i sit here writing this... the sun has finally started to shine. i went to an estate sale and found a beautiful blue green paperweight (the only thing i collect these days... besides music and memories) ... a wooden bowl that now holds apples ... pink ladies and green grannies... the treasure of the weekend though... was a recipe card, tucked away inconspicuously in a box filled with a lifetime of family dinners. it reads:

"When I am dead, cry for me a little. Think of me sometimes- but not too much. It is not good for you or your husband or your wife or your children to allow your thoughts to dwell too long on the dead. Think of me now and again as I was in life as if I was in life at some moment when it is pleasant to recall- but not too long. Leave me in peace and I shall leave you too in peace while you live. ~ mother " on the back it says "My dear husband so norweigan by proxy" 

last night i sat around a fire with my family... watching the stars come out... just listening to the laughter in their voices. i like to listen more than i like to talk... a train passed by... slowly... shaking the ground and cutting the stillness of it. it was almost an epic metaphor for what i was thinking after finding that recipe card. about how lately my thoughts keep turning back home. about where i come from and where i am going... not in a year... or 10... but eventually... about death and meaning in life. the moments we have in peace with the people that we care about most... are few and far between. there is always a train waiting to take one or all of us away. away to obligations, distractions and duties.... and eventually take us away forever... 

i am not sad about death. i don't let it haunt me or scare me. if i were to die tomorrow... i would feel as though my life had been a full one. i am a person that thinks of death as the reason to be alive. every day. 

and so now, i am eating a strawberry that actually smells like a strawberry... from the farmers market down the street... and i am going to paint. because i still can. 

i was listening to late night talk radio recently and i heard something that applies directly to everything i want to say tonight about my dad.

"When I was fourteen my father was so stupid I could barely stand to have the old man around. But by the time I was twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in the last seven years."  -Mark Twain

it's funny how much you think you know when you're a kid. all that energy and will-power... you're ready to conquer everything... go everywhere... and you already have all the answers. i had this "problem" as much or more than any other kid. i was head strong and out-spoken... my dad and i butted heads a lot back then. i remember so many granules of wisdom he gave me over the years, that i thought to be completely wrong. and i told him so. by the time i was 18, my head and heart were so far from the tiny town i was anchored in, that i truly believe i wasn't even really there. 

fast forward 20 years of full on living on my part... i have been around the country many times. i have a really open mind and have lived a very open and eager life. i have friends from all walks of life. and i suppose if i am honest with myself... i have been several different versions of myself over those years. but in all of that searching and learning... i have found something to be true...  dad and i are kindred spirits. my opinions are often almost frighteningly parallel to his. 

dad still lives on the same dead end dirt road he grew up on. the one i grew up on. the one my grandparents lived on... not more than a mile from where his grandparents first settled their farm. the things he loves most... are some of those that i love most too. watching the clouds roll in on the night of a big storm. i've spent hours watching the sky turn crazy shapes with him in our backyard. he's the reason i wanted to be a meteorologist as a kid... he taught me, maybe by accident, to love fast old cars and open roads. he's the reason i feel ridiculously happy on a cool night listening to old country records. dad taught me to love and respect nature. he understands why i collect feathers and rocks... why every time i go home to visit i leave with my arms full of sticks and leaves... he is honest and loyal. he believes in hard work and values good old friends and his family. 

dad has romantic ideas about alternate lives... the two i hold on to most... wanting to disappear somewhere in the middle of alaska... build a tiny cabin and just be.... the other, driving an 18 wheeler for a living... nothing but the vast empty spaces of the west for an office. 

thank you dad, for taking me camping and fishing more times than i can count. for teaching me to dig my own worms and bait my own hook. for not letting me just say "ewwww" when i caught a fish but teaching me to clean them and cook them... for treating me just like you would a son. thank you for taking me backpacking in the mountains. for loving all the most beautiful and simple things in life...the things that really matter. it's taken me a lot of years to figure out what you've known all along. that at the end of the day... if you can have lightning bugs outside your window... food that you grew yourself... a happy tune on the radio... and someone you love beside you... there isn't much else to want for. thank you for trying so hard all these years to show that to me ... i understand now. and i love you.

i went to new orleans for the first time in november of last year... and i just found out i will be going back in early august for work! one of our clients is performing at satchmo summerfest 

(http://www.fqfi.org/satchmosummerfest/ )

... in the french quarter... and we've been invited for that and to scope out for a lecture series next year! very excited! there's nothing quite like that city... and i must admit i am sort of looking forward to the swelter.

he sat across the table from me... in the dim of morning, sipping water out of a cup and leafing through the paper. it was dawn, barely and so still that you could make out the rattle of ice cubes- a rhythmic mingling with birds outside- strung together by the parenthetical turning of pages. i love this time of morning he said. i like to sit here- just to listen and watch the light changing on the trees. in that moment i could have been him and he could have been me. and then she walked in... her steps breaking the glassy surface of our lake and flipped on the lights. how can you read in the dark she said. and it was over. 

ALEX EBERT - "AWAKE MY BODY" 

Hey mama, eh mama, eh mama, hey
Hey mama, eh mama, eh mama, hey
Body
Awake my body.

You can't turn your cheek,
When you're falling asleep,
And you're cold,
Awake my body.

They took me to the station,
Dropped me on my knees
Ask me my vocation,
I'll tell you if you please.

I trained my toes in tapping,
Specializing in concrete,
A day you won't believe just happened,
I heard a voice that came to me,
It said " my body, my toes,
My heart, my skin, my nose,
My organs for you to play"

Now I believe believer will lead to healer
Yes, now we have all our faith,
Come on, take me..
All the way.

Hey mama, eh mama, eh mama, hey
Hey mama, eh mama, eh mama, hey
Body
Awake my body

Don't hide my eyes,
I wanna see.
Don't hide my ears,
I wanna hear.
Don't hide my tongue,
From anyone,
I wanna tell, heaven and hell.
I won't hide my heart,
It won't break apart.
I know they'll be sharing,
They'll be sharing all the way (all the way)

Awake now
Body awake now
Awake now
Body awake
Awake now
Body awake now
Ah see them caring
See them sharing
All the way, all the way

Hey mama, eh mama, eh mama, hey
Hey mama, eh mama, eh mama, hey
Body
Awake my body

You can't turn your cheek
When you're falling asleep,
And you're cold.
Awake my body.

[Whistle]

Be hold,
All the way.

ALEX EBERT - "LET'S MAKE A DEAL TO NOT MAKE A DEAL" 

La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
A magic hymn to will keep the wind in your mast
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
Let go fear, and let go fate
Then my dear, these words you state

Let's make a deal
To not make a deal
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
For all the ways that we can
All the ways that we can
All the ways that we can love
Let's make a deal
To not make a deal

Let me show you love that will last
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah

Drop your fears like little turds
Then my dear the magic words

Let's make a deal
To not make a deal
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
For all the ways that we can
All the ways that we can
All the ways that we can love

La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah

Let me show you love that will last

La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
La dah da di da dum dah tah dah
[Fades Off]

i just wanted to say thank you to everyone that made it out for my opening the other night! a big thank you to kristina perkins for hosting my show... and making an emergency run to the store for the most delicious popsicles i have ever had in my life... it could've been the heat... but they were pretty amazing. summer is in full swing... and despite the hot temperatures... there have been a few reminders lately about how cold some people can be. and as is true with all extremes... this has only served as a reminder of all the wonderful people i have in my life. people have a great capacity for kindness. and for this i am forever thankful. 

the following photographs were sent to me to hurt me... but i find them interesting. twisted versions of me. we all get twisted around at times. sometimes for better, others for worse. altered reflections show you something you'd never noticed- and i am bigger than my face. even if it's twisted. the things i care about and the person i am reach far beyond appearance. if you know me... you know my heart explodes on a regular basis with joy. i love being alive. and no one can take that away from me.

anyway readers... it's a beautiful day. and i get to share it with friends tonight. here's some music that made me smile today. much love. ~jen