my studio is currently in a basement... i am learning about all the ways that is both good and bad... but i must admit... i sort of love the feeling of the slow descend... 

now... when i decide to paint... i sorta bundle up... well... i don my fingerless gloves... and my boots and usually a scarf... it's chilly down here... but i like the way my nose feels after an hour or so in the depths... it has its bragging rights... like living in minnesota in the winter... i met a guy in laughlin this past weekend... he stopped me while waiting for the bus... he said... where are you from... "oh minneapolis? i hate the cold... and i hate the heat... and i hate the wind" ... we don't think like that here do we? or if we do... we simply lie... bragging rights...

thanks una for the photo inspiration today... i couldn't think of much but sinking into the basement tonight to work on this...

i just spent a few days in the desert with my mom... she takes me every year for a free little vacation to a casino... i don't really gamble... but mom loves it... i spend a lot of my time wandering the casino floor gawking at people... meandering along the river walk... or enjoying the hand made signs in the gift shop... camera in hand i digest laughlin... i sort of describe it to my friends as an older, quieter, friendlier vegas... or branson meets vegas... or vegas light... ha... my highlight every year is karaoke... it is everything karaoke aspires to be... only... it's in a casino... in the middle of the desert... every single person that gets on stage has a personality a mile wide... the owner of the casino and the founder of the town... don laughlin... has been there every year without fail... last time he danced all night long with a 20 something year old woman... they were the hit of the night... (don's probably about 90).... every time we go... i have a mixture of feelings about the place... i love the kitsch and the fact that i am surrounded by elderly people. i LOVE old people. they aren't shy... they don't care what you think about them... they are often times funny and surprising and full of spunk... they have no shame... they flirt mercilessly... because they have nothing to hide.... they have a million stories and even more advice... they wake up and think... well... i have another day... lets make it a good one... I LOVE THAT! 

i know the phrase "youth is wasted on the young" is nothing new... but wouldn't it be awesome if we could all be 80 for a week... in our 20s? i think so! what we would learn about not taking our bodies for granted... oh... wouldn't that be great. i remember one time i was with my friend laura... we stopped at a cracker barrel on  a roadtrip back from sxsw... we walked in and the teen hostess took one look at us and said... "hooo-eeee.... ya'll looked like you just stepped out of a new york magazine".... oh how we laughed... and laughed and laughed... she thought we were glamorous and polished and shmancy... and i suppose compared to her and her co-workers at the cracker barrel in northern texas... we were pretty impressive... that's kinda how i feel for the first day i am in laughlin every time... i look around and i see things that i can't even imagine people wearing... crazy hats... long gone fashions... mish mash hair-dos and walkers of all shapes and sizes... compared to that i am prettttty hot... ha... but it takes about 15 seconds to realize... that means absolutely nothing.... nothing at all... and i am lost again in a sea of human beings... that are all on the same page... we are all just alive... it's easy to forget that sometimes. it's easy to believe that your clothes or your status make you who you are. i guess that's one of the main reasons i love going back each year when mom takes me. it reminds me that i am just as alive and just as dead as any 80 year old at a casino in the middle of the desert. that i have today and maybe tomorrow and if i am lucky a few more tomorrows. 

i think i have decided what i want to do next year in laughlin... next year, when bill or sally or jim approach me over coffee in the sidewalk cafe... instead of just laughing at their clever jokes... i want to ask them what they think when they see me. i know what i think when i see them. i have a vast appreciation for the years behind their glasses and the fact that they're smiling even though they just had a hip replaced. i wonder if they envy me. i wonder if they smile and think... oh, you have no idea... i wonder if they wish they were still young or if they do what i do when i see a woman in her teens or 20s and think... oh, i would never go back... i think life is easier to navigate the longer you've been on this planet... there is nothing that replaces years of experience... but i am guessing that there are things i still don't understand... and that makes me really happy

i had a couple of hours on the airplane... so i made this

i spent a brief stint in my early 20s living in las vegas... that was where my obsession with casino carpeting began... i will admit openly that i am not all that organized... if there were some sort of magical bubble that followed me around... making sure all the things i have photographed, painted and built were saved from flood... computer crashes and mindlessness then i would have the several other folders of casino carpet photos that are lost somewhere in lala land... my favorites were from a trip to reno a few years back... i remember clearly the most gorgeous space carpet and one room of rainbow carpet also... but... like i said... no idea where those are... photo hunts are some of my favorite ways to pass the afternoon... these are all from laughlin nevada... a wormhole to 1985

the last few years have been extremely explosive for me... if you were to tell me 5 years ago... where i would be now... and how i would get here... i would think you were crazy. sometimes i look around still and think... wow... what just happened... i guess that the past few months i have been drifting downward from that explosion like a feather... slowly... easing... back to earth again... in many ways really...

the song sentimenal journey reminds me of my grandma... she had a romantic way of telling me about the train trips she went on in her early 20s... when she was working for the radio station... i remember one time she pulled me aside... and said with a feverish voice... jennifer, i would never trade my family for anything... i love them all very much... but those days... those days were the most fun i have had in my whole life... what a great time... what inspiration to see her eyes when she said that

i have the new studio set up... and i have been slowly sinking into it...  the holidays eat up massive quantities of time and energy... and my past couple of months have been extra exciting and fun... when i am having fun... i don't always want to stop long enough to devote the time i should to my art... but, i am back at it again...

this past week, a friend of mine lost someone close to them, and someone i had the pleasure to know too... a 29 year old beautiful woman, that loved to be alive... was struck and killed by a bus... just before new years... a freak accident that reminds me again... of all the reasons i like to try and stop time... and hold on to people that are dear to me... although i suppose it isn't really possible 

i hung my show at anodyne yesterday afternoon. i sat in my car out front and had to psyche myself up to go inside... i realized i haven't hung a show in a really long time... and i was nervous... for the first time in many years... where did that come from? just like anything... painting and having art shows... is one of those things that when you are out of practice... can feel intimidating... i guess i realized out front in my car... that i was worried i couldn't do it anymore... like... people would be able to tell i haven't been painting much lately... and that i've been putting my work last... i don't think anyone noticed though... and when i first walked in a young woman chatted me up and asked me about my work... complimenting me... maybe she could see the look on my face... or sense that i was feeling like i wanted to puke... 

to make matters worse... the place was packed... and cramped... and i had to literally move people's stuff off of chairs to climb up and hook the paintings onto strange hooks... i am amazed how after all these years there are still ways of hanging art on a wall that i haven't seen before... this one was particularly interesting... but ... IT'S UP ... whew...

i spent some time in the studio last week... playing with photos for inspiration by glen jones and roxie reeves... some black and white stuff came out of that

and the requisite self portrait

i have long thought that good art... came from somewhere really dark... i remember a conversation i had with my friend andy... on a rooftop many many years ago... andy is an artist too... currently his medium is primarily food... he's a chef and lives in sweden... he has now for many years... but the conversation i am thinking of... was one had in the wee hours of the morning... after many many beers... we came to the conclusion that neither of us created anything worthwhile when we were really healthy... sleep deprivation... alcohol... sadness and cigarettes were the catalysts in our work... i guess at that time it might have been true... but these days i find that isn't always the case... it is possible to create when you're happy... and hopeful... a teacher once told me that when you're drawing... you should squint so the lines become blurred... and you can see the shapes instead... so you can get the 'gist of what it is you want to sketch instead of focusing on the parts that that make it whole... he was right... but it's also possible if the squinting comes from being side-tracked by happiness...

i wouldnt' be honest with myself if i didn't admit that i have been very happy and hopeful these past couple of months... and from this new place... creating can be just as voracious

I realized that I'm a hope junkie. I strive for those changes, upgrades and new beginnings that bring that cozy adrenaline hope rush. - giulio carmassi

this song has been like an ear wig to me the past week... it speaks of something i know a lot about... searching... investigating... delving into something deeper... i think in a past life i must've been a detective... i want to understand myself completely... and seek the deepest places in those i care about... i guess that's what we all want... meaning... a reason for being... 

some people can look to god and ask him... i look to you... and me

i wish my hands could do what my mind does... but this will have to work for now... i made a short video to the song that's been haunting me lately

this might be the most random blog i have ever posted... all these fragments have been building for a while now... thanks for listening to my mental vomit... this worm-hole is where i sort it all out... be well... much love