and for my final trick

do you ever think about your own funeral? not to sound morbid... but I've seen a lot of living and dying recently. while gazing through these windows... I can't help but throw myself into the casket. I read a book not too long ago... the 7 habits of highly effective people... one chapter asks you to sit down at a funeral... greeting the mourners... noticing the looks on their faces... as you walk up to the casket you realize it is you they are saying goodbye to. the "exercise" tells you to pick people from different parts of your life... if memory serves me correctly... they are to be a family member, a close friend, ,a lover/spouse and a member of your community. ... you are to sit there, at your own service and imagine what each of them would say about you. what have you done in your life. what did they take away from knowing you. it's strange to me now that I've been to a few funerals this year. literally two for family members... and figuratively a couple of people leaving my life in other ways. I can't help but reference this chapter when I think of those people... and then of myself.

last night I had a horrible nightmare that someone was trying to kill me. it was so vivid it took me a long while to recover. these things have all been in the back of my mind today at work... despite the fact that today was one of the busiest on record. it's hard to mute your brain... sometimes even more so when things are chaotic.

anyway. you are a captive audience... at least until you click the back button... so here goes.

WHEN:

I die in the spring: plant me somewhere without a coffin... beneath a weeping willow tree... beside a pond... like they are at my parents house

I die in the summer: I want my ashes to be in a Styrofoam cup.. maybe from the little oak gas station in my home town... roll down all the windows... open the sun roof... and while a romantic song is playing at full volume on the stereo... toss me along the highway.... going too fast... and laughing about something I did that was stupid

I die in the fall: find a grove of sumac turned to crimson... pull out all the roots of one and hide me under it... while drinking a hot cup of coffeee

I die in the winter: find a little pond.... and a pair of ice skates.... get a bunch of D batteries and play the Tchaikovsky nutcracker tape on a rickety old boombox... my sister and I used to skate to in the back yard... pretending we were figure skaters... throw my ashes up... while it's snowing... so I can be lost in the snow...

there is one other stipulation in my recently elaborate funeral plan. at the end of the day.... when everyone just feels depressed... I want a magical jar of quarters... a terrible dive bar and a juke box that is so good you can't believe you own eyes. I want everyone to play me a song. until the quarters run out... which is possible because this is my funeral fantasy. I want my friends and family to be drunk on my memory and booze... because I would be if I was there.

I know my parents are reading this and having an anxiety attack. don't worry... I have no desire to off myself... and as far as I know right now... I will be around for a while... I've just had mortality on my mind.

I do have positive news... a couple of my paintings have been selected to appear in a Northeast Neighborhoods Calendar coming out sometime in the coming month or so... I will impart more on that when I have the information...  if I have photos of the submissions somewhere but not on my laptop so those will have to wait for tomorrow .

one last thing... if you pick up a quarter on the table... at my funeral after party... this is the song you should choose....