i've grown to hate words... the way they ring in my ears when they feel good or bad... the way i long for them... the way i never have the right ones when i want them... the way they never seem to be enough to describe a feeling or a situation... the way you can never take them back... language in general irks me and yet it's everything
actions speak louder than words, they say... it's so cliche i wish i hadn't written it... and i wish i could understand it. do they? i am a feeler. i feel my way through life. most of what i see and do and express is via images... is that a cop out? i grow increasingly frustrated by this giant gap i find between reality and words. there are too many things that happen without comment. there are too many people that deny reality with a simple sentence or dismissive phrase. this is without considering language barriers or dialects... social discrepancies or standing... even the people we think we know best... when plopped in front of us... will lie... unknowingly with their words... for all the same reasons i mentioned. i wish so badly that there was some way to just mash our brains together... and understand. understand everyone. i wish what was in my head... and my heart... could be in yours... without hours of explaining.
there are a few people i have met in my lifetime... that could speak to me. some of them with their words... and some of them with their hearts. i can only hope that they understand that... with my pitiful reciprocal language. it seems to me... the people i want to express myself to most... get the worst of me. when everyone else gets my soul.
i guess all of this stems from my recent trip to jamaica for my sister's wedding. i feel like i was an observer for most of the trip. a fly on the wall... which is odd for me... i know i should be feeling and thinking so many things. but in reality i just filed it all away in a cabinet... to stew...
most of my thoughts were of the country... the people... their houses... their lives... the vague and vast love of my family and the fact that we had so much time together... my inability to understand fully that my little sister is now an adult... a married woman... my parents... my own existence... it was so much of everything that i can't even digest it just yet... i feel like there are so many words i should have said aloud... and yet... not at all... when i am my most honest... and forthright... people generally just look at me like i am crazy... so i have learned to hold it in. and try to understand it. on my own.
actions speak louder than words, they say... it's so cliche i wish i hadn't written it... and i wish i could understand it. do they? i am a feeler. i feel my way through life. most of what i see and do and express is via images... is that a cop out? i grow increasingly frustrated by this giant gap i find between reality and words. there are too many things that happen without comment. there are too many people that deny reality with a simple sentence or dismissive phrase. this is without considering language barriers or dialects... social discrepancies or standing... even the people we think we know best... when plopped in front of us... will lie... unknowingly with their words... for all the same reasons i mentioned. i wish so badly that there was some way to just mash our brains together... and understand. understand everyone. i wish what was in my head... and my heart... could be in yours... without hours of explaining.
there are a few people i have met in my lifetime... that could speak to me. some of them with their words... and some of them with their hearts. i can only hope that they understand that... with my pitiful reciprocal language. it seems to me... the people i want to express myself to most... get the worst of me. when everyone else gets my soul.
i guess all of this stems from my recent trip to jamaica for my sister's wedding. i feel like i was an observer for most of the trip. a fly on the wall... which is odd for me... i know i should be feeling and thinking so many things. but in reality i just filed it all away in a cabinet... to stew...
most of my thoughts were of the country... the people... their houses... their lives... the vague and vast love of my family and the fact that we had so much time together... my inability to understand fully that my little sister is now an adult... a married woman... my parents... my own existence... it was so much of everything that i can't even digest it just yet... i feel like there are so many words i should have said aloud... and yet... not at all... when i am my most honest... and forthright... people generally just look at me like i am crazy... so i have learned to hold it in. and try to understand it. on my own.
and i realize that i don't. i don't understand anything at all. and therein lies my frustration... with words
RSS Feed